When your partner says they need space, it can leave you with more questions than answers. You may wonder whether something has changed, whether they are upset with you or whether the relationship is heading towards a breakup.
The uncertainty is especially acute for you if you've grown up talking almost every day and probably sharing most of your life with people you know. And at the same time, fear can be a good motivator, so reacting out of fear can make an already awkward situation worse.
A request for space doesn’t mean a relationship is over. Your partner is working hard, in an emotionally draining state or needs to figure out how to respond to a dispute.
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You should do five things you should not do when your partner says they need space.
1. Do Not Immediately Assume They Want to Break Up.
What’s the initial reaction to hearing “I need space”?
However, needing time alone is a different thing for different people. People need solitude to recharge; some are able to get away from it and are able to, albeit temporarily, when they feel overwhelmed or need time to process their emotions.
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Should I worry about the request and not see it as an assertion of the end? What should I do?
Not to ask them to answer at once if they have not yet been ready to explain everything. Give the conversation room to happen without jumping to conclusions.
2. Do Not Keep Messaging Them for Reassurance.
When you get less and less communication, it’s easy to send repeated messages that “everything is fine.” You might check if they’ve read your texts, call several times or ask if they’re upset with you.
Though these may be motivated by a genuine need for reassurance, repeated contact also makes your partner feel as though they have to do this when they are clear about what they want when it comes to time alone.
Have you made them feel at ease that you’ve listened to their request?
You can say it’s OK to let them know you are space-bound and will see them after a couple of days. The right fit should work for both of you.
3. Do Not Use Silence or Social Media to Punish Them.
All of us feel hurt when our partner pulls away from us, but simply ignoring them to make them feel guilty and sending indirect messages on social media or being indifferent to provoke a response can create more tension.
For one person to ask for space is to make space for someone else's punishment.
If their request hurt you or confused you, say that to them when you are given an opportunity to talk. You don’t have to try and look like all is well.
Healthy communication is about expressing our feelings without undermining each other's feelings; not a competition to understand each other’s feelings in order to compete for who cares less. We want to understand each other rather than make the other person anxious or jealous.
4. Do Not Put Your Own Life on Hold.
When your partner starts talking in a normal fashion again, waiting for that to happen becomes your primary focus. You may find yourself checking your phone every time you get a message, or going around cancelling plans because you are waiting for that message.
Instead, continue with your regular routine. Focus on work, spend time with friends and family, exercise or return to the things you enjoy.
And you never care about your partner when you live outside the relationship. It helps you stay emotionally anchored and in the beginning time people think together.
You don’t need to use this period to make your partner miss you. And the purpose of keeping your routine is not to make them see you don’t but to keep it from happening.
5. Never Give in to Indefinite Uncertainty.
As a matter of course, respecting your partner’s boundaries is important but that doesn’t mean you should have to wait indefinitely till you know what is known if the relationship is at stake, to be sure.
There is a difference between asking for a few days to process emotions and withdrawing from the relationship without communicating what happens next.
It’s reasonable to ask if you’re still talking, if you’re still interested in the relationship and if you’re going to return and talk about it. These questions should not be answered in a single hard conversation but they should be asked in both people’s minds.
If your partner repeatedly disappears and ignores the need for conversation and expects you to be available until he says so and is unable to convey his/her thoughts to you, do you think that this arrangement is right for you emotionally?
You can respect their need for distance while also setting boundaries around what you are willing to accept.
How to Handle the Situation in a Healthy Way
When a partner asks for space, the most helpful response is usually a balance of patience, honest communication and self-respect.
You should give them space to express themselves, but don’t tell them to shut up about their feelings, or to shut you out. You’re going to find an easy way to reconnect, stop playing games and live your life again.
In the end, space is different in multiple ties. This might just be a temporary need for rest and reflection or it may be a bigger picture, and that has to come out in a conversation.
You can’t control how your partner feels or what they eventually decide. What you can control is how you respond, how clearly you communicate and whether you protect your own emotional well-being.
A healthy relationship needs both independence and connection and the independence of the individual and the connection of the relationship. Respect of others’ space is important but so is consistency, clarity and mutual effort.
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