And arguments between parents and children are often seen as a sign that something is wrong in a family. But disagreement is not necessarily bad for children. In fact, experts say that when handled in a respectful manner, family arguments can give children a voice in what they think, and give children independence and the skills to deal with conflict.
Tara Sutaria, actor Tara Sutaria and others have recently raised this idea; she thinks children should feel comfortable arguing with their parents. Her remarks are just one of a larger conversation about whether parents need to always expect obedience or create enough emotional safety for children to disagree with them.
The distinction is important. Healthy disagreement is not shouting, insults, or constant hostility. The way family members deal with conflict can matter more than the simple fact that there is an argument.
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Why do children need to feel safe disagreeing with parents?
As children grow, they naturally start to form opinions and preferences of their own. In particular, in adolescence, a more independent character is a natural part of development.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says disagreements between parents and children are inevitable in family life. It also insists that children must feel that they are able to express their opinions, including differences in opinion with those of their parents.
What parents do not need to agree with is everything their children say.
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A healthy family environment enables children to be able to point out why they disagree and parents to hear them out before deciding what to do. In one case, the parent may even reverse their position after hearing a convincing argument.
Nemours KidsHealth also points out that disagreements can become less intense if parents are more comfortable with their teenagers having opinions and identities that are different from their own. Communication can help families to compromise and young people to feel that their views are respected.
Healthy Arguments Are Different From Hostile Conflict
In the end, there is no right way to let children argue or to let them behave badly in arguments.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that family disagreements be neutral and handled with respect. Arguments can be productive when family members are moving towards a solution, but they should stop when they become name-calling, shouting or repeated circular conflict.
The same applies to parents who argue with each other in front of children.
The Gottman Institute notes that the issue is not simply whether children ever witness disagreements, but how disagreements are handled. Children could be harmed by frequent hostile conflict with insults, aggression, stonewalling or other destructive behaviour.
In short, saying "I disagree with you" is healthy. When a child is frightened or humiliated in an argument, that is quite different.
Disagreement can help children to build independence.
Children’s ability to make decisions and problem-solve can also allow them to make decisions and problem-solve too, and when children are allowed to disagree with the other children and how they feel, to say so is also to practice problem-solving and problem-solving.
As children age, parents gradually must move from having them make every decision for them to giving them more responsibility. That process can involve negotiation.
The latest parenting guidance released by Parents in conjunction with developmental psychologists states that allowing children some negotiation within appropriate boundaries can help them practise autonomy, responsibility and decision-making.
This is not to say children should have complete control.
Parents are still responsible for decisions on safety, health and other matters. But having children explain to you their logical reasoning can teach them that having an opinion is not an abstract thing; it is a privilege and one in which they have to be sensitive to others.
For teenagers, this can be particularly important as they start preparing for greater independence.
Parents also teach children how to handle conflict
Children learn about disagreement not only from the rules their parents give them, but they learn about how adults communicate as well.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says children see how their parents deal with disagreements and can model their own behaviour on those interactions.
If the parent is listening, keeping calm, acknowledging the other person’s perspective and working toward a solution, the child has one of those clear examples of constructive conflict.
On the other hand, if disagreements are regularly littered with insults and threats or refusal to communicate, children will learn that conflict is something to fear or avoid and not something that can be managed.
Thus, parents can see or accept a child’s disagreement without necessarily accepting it.
A parent can say, "I understand why you feel that way, but this is the decision we have made." That response doesn’t ignore the child's feelings, but it does not take away from the child’s boundaries.
The goal is Connection, Not Constant Agreement
A good parent-child relationship does not require parents and children to agree on everything.
Indeed, in fact, expecting complete agreement will make children feel less comfortable talking about hard feelings and admitting to themselves when they’ve made mistakes.
The Child Mind Institute's advice for parents is to maintain a good relationship, keep communication open and be prepared to have tough conversations in the teenage years. And listen and start getting into problem-solving mode immediately in the early stages, it suggests.
This approach can establish a context in which children feel that they can approach their parents even if they have made a mistake, they are different, or they need help with something that is uncomfortable.
And while the healthiest thing in human life in general might not be to get rid of arguments in family life, it is to make disagreement safe for everyone to say and listen, and to work towards understanding.
Tara Sutaria’s comments have highlighted that distinction. Children do not need parents who agree with everything they say. They need relationships in which expressing a different opinion does not automatically mean losing love, respect or a sense of belonging.
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