The idea to be a better version of oneself is usually a good one. Reading more, exercising regularly, learning new things, building up relationships and taking better care of your health can all have a positive impact on life. But what happens when self-improvement stops being inspiring and starts to feel like a duty.
For some people, the pursuit of personal growth can be relentless. There is always a new habit to develop, another weakness to overcome, another skill to learn or another aspect of life that supposedly needs improvement. In the process, they may feel like they are falling behind instead of being proud of progress.
Psychotherapy and mental health professionals have often noted healthy growth and compulsive self-optimization are not the same thing. The difference can be in the underlying motivation. Self-respect and curiosity can lead to growth and continuous improvement can be fueled by the idea that who you are at this very moment is simply not enough.
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When Self-Improvement Becomes Pressure
When every area of life is a project, self-improvement becomes unhealthy. A person can start the morning with very structured routines of working out regularly, tracking every meal, monitoring productivity, exercising on a schedule, taking motivational videos and constantly comparing their accomplishments to the achievements of others.
There is nothing wrong with these activities. The problem comes when missing a goal produces intense guilt or when relaxation seems like wasted time.
A constant reminder that we should be “better,” “stronger,” “more successful” or “more productive” can make sense of personal worth to you. That is the basis for your imperfections to be seen as your failures.
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Social media can only exacerbate the pressure even more. Online platforms often show a carefully curated version of people’s lives: successful careers, fitness transformations, organised homes, healthy eating, smooth routines and sustained success.
A rehash of such content can make for unrealistic comparisons. A person may begin to think that everyone else is moving forward while they are standing still and so on.
The result can be a process of comparison and correction, compare yourself to someone else, see what you’re not quite good enough at, create a new goal, pursue it, temporarily find satisfaction and find another area of improvement.
Perfectionism and Fear of Falling Behind
For some people, continuous self-improvement is linked to perfectionistic thinking. And rather than thinking mistakes are part of learning, they may think they are a sign that they’re not good enough.
This mindset can make accomplishments rather unsatisfying. Just getting one thing accomplished may be enough to ease the burden before the eyes turn to the next perceived shortcoming.
Fear can also play a role. One might be afraid that if they stop improving they’re not going to improve and will end up poor, unattractive, unhealthy and irrelevant. In that case, self-improvement becomes less about growth and more about avoiding an image of an unknown negative outcome.
Rest Is Not the Opposite of Growth
A good way to develop a healthier relationship with our personal growth is to recognize the value of rest.
Rest is not laziness. Taking a day off from exercise, spending an evening doing nothing productive or enjoying a hobby without trying to monetise it doesn’t mean that you have stopped progressing.
Human beings are not machines that optimize every minute and recovery, play, connection and quiet time are all integral parts of a healthy life.
Why do you want to change
A useful question is: “Am I improving because I value myself, or because I believe I am not enough”
The answer might reveal a lot about your relationship with self-improvement.
Healthy goals generally allow room for flexibility. You can miss a workout without feeling worthless. You can make a mistake without deciding that you are a failure. You can change direction when a goal no longer serves you.
If what you are doing is always accompanied by anxiety, guilt, shame or exhaustion, it’s reasonable to ask yourself what you have set for yourself.
Learning to Accept Yourself
But self-acceptance does not mean giving up on personal growth. Instead, it means understanding that growth and self-worth can exist separately.
You can want to get healthier without feeling your body is not acceptable. You can pursue a career without feeling that your value is based on your success. You can develop better communication skills even if you know you will always say the wrong thing every now and then.
Personal development is healthier when it is an addition to your life and not an identity that is worth pursuing.
When that pressure to constantly improve is undermining relationships, sleep, work, mood or the enjoyment of everyday life in your life, talking to a qualified therapist or mental health professional can help you get to the bottom of where that pressure comes from and to get more balanced expectations.
Ultimately, being a better version of yourself shouldn’t require rejecting yourself. Real growth is not only ambitious but can also be compassionate with patience and acceptance. Sometimes the healthiest improvement is to realize that you don’t have to fix every single part of yourself all the time.
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