Separation for parents is difficult emotionally as well as for children; it can be confusing, overwhelming. Parents may no longer live together, or even have the same relationship, but as parents we all have one big responsibility to raise children. Co-parenting well, after separation, is about putting the child’s emotional well-being, stability and needs ahead of ourselves.
Keep the Child Out of Adult Conflicts.
In one of the most important rules of healthy co-parenting is not arguing in front of children. Children need not be emotionally coerced to side with or be messengers between parents.
Parents shouldn’t criticize each other in front of their children. Kids need the protection of both parents when they disagree, and they need to hear the other’s message.
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Maintain Consistent Routines
Maintaining familiar routines can also give some sense of security. Separation can already cause life changes in a child’s daily routine.
Parents can try to coordinate schedules around school, homework, meals, extracurricular activities, holidays and bedtime. The routines do not need to be exactly the same in both homes but reasonable consistency can help children adjust more comfortably.
Communicate Clearly and Respectfully
Good communication is the foundation of successful co-parenting. Parents don’t have to agree on everything but we need to find practical ways to communicate in ways that let it be a conversation about things.
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Communication should speak to the child rather than the past relationship problems. Parents can talk about school performance, health, activities, friendships and so forth without turning every conversation into an argument.
Never make children choose sides.
Children might love both parents and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for spending time with either one. Don’t ask questions that make them feel responsible for a parent’s emotions, for example, whom they like or whether they had more fun at the other parent’s house.
If children have a healthy relationship with both parents as long as they are in place in the home, then that may simplify the transition.
Respect Different Parenting Styles
Separated parents may have different approaches to discipline, food, screen time, studying or leisure. Not every difference needs to become a conflict.
Parents should come up with some firm boundaries and values but each family will have its own routine. The goal is not to take control of the other parent’s house, but to give a loving environment to the child.
Listen to the Child
Children can get sad, angry, anxious and confused when they are separated. Parents should have the opportunity for honest conversations and kids should feel that separation is not their fault.
Younger children might express emotions through behaviour, while older children may become withdrawn or frustrated. Listening without immediately judging or dismissing their feelings can help them feel understood.
Put Long-Term Wellbeing First
Co-parenting takes patience, flexibility and the ability to put personal differences aside. It can be difficult at times, particularly on holidays, major decisions or changes in schedules. But putting the child’s best interests at the centre can help both parents create a healthier family environment after separation.
And when communication becomes so difficult, family counselling or professional mediation may help parents develop practical co-parenting strategies.
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