One person may, by no means, be the only one in your mind. You may look at your phone over and over again, re-read conversations, analyze their messages, worry if they get distant. It may feel so good to be in love, but persistent fixation can make it difficult to discern love from attachment and obsession.
On August 30, 2026, therapist John Kim explained in an Instagram post how certain relationships can become so consuming and how people can identify the difference between genuine emotional connection and fixation.
Why do we become obsessed with someone?
According to Kim, the intensity of feeling does not mean how important someone is to us. Sometimes the person we cannot stop thinking about may be the person who created the greatest uncertainty.
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Mixed signals can be particularly potent. One day a person might show affection and then disappear and you’re left to puzzle out what they are doing. An uncertain relationship may lead to a mindset on finding an answer.
Kim speaks of ‘intermittent reinforcement’ where the rewards or positive attention are not predictable. When the outcome of the relationship is uncertain, individuals may become even more motivated to seek another moment of connection. That’s why some relationships can feel emotionally addictive.
Love versus obsession
Love and obsession could produce the same intense feelings, but they relate to daily life and not in the same way.
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Obsession can sometimes shrink your world. You might keep on checking if someone is online, go back and read old conversations, monitor their social media activities and let your mood dictate your mood. Friends, hobbies, work and personal life can soon come to dominate the agenda.
Healthy love, by contrast, allows both people to keep their individuality. Friendships, interests, work, personal space and quiet moments are to be enjoyed.
If you are interested in who the person actually is, then I guess you are interested in getting them to notice you.
Are you in love with the person or the idea of them?
Fixation can sometimes involve an imagined version of someone instead of the whole person. When a relationship is new, distant or unavailable there just isn’t enough real-life information to challenge the idealized image.
You will know how the person makes you feel but you will not know how he handles conflict, disappointment, boredom, or a day in the life.
Thus, the separation of reality and fantasy is a crucial one.
How can you break the cycle?
Trying to stop thinking about someone can sometimes make thoughts about them more persistent. Instead of stopping behavior that feeds the loop, stop a lot of behavior that feeds the loop, stop thinking about it.
Reduce unnecessary checking, rereading messages and monitoring social media. Do not make excuses to contact the person or ask others for constant updates.
Writing down two lists can also help:
What did this person actually give me?
The difference between those answers can indicate if you are reacting to reality or to hope.
Finally, reconnect with the parts of your life that may have been neglected—friends, work, hobbies, exercise, sleep and personal goals.
It also helps to ask what getting this person’s attention would prove about you. When fixation is linked to deeper wants for validation, reassurance or acceptance, it is really the first thing that comes to your mind.
Love allows you to see someone as they are. Obsession can make you need someone to become who you hope they will be.
The purpose of this article is to inform and not to replace professional advice. Distressing or persistent relationship-related thoughts should be addressed by a qualified mental health professional.
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