When Marriage Doesn't Go as Planned: How Couples Can Cope

Marriage is often portrayed as the start of a happy and fulfilling life together. Couples may enter marriage with expectations of companionship, communication, family life and shared goals. But no marriage follows a script. And a lot of things in married life are not what we first thought, and a lot of people have been working through this.

When marriage doesn’t work out, it does not mean it ends. It is an opportunity for couples to reassess what they’re expecting from one another, to say it right and to talk about it and what they wish and what they want to do in the next step in their relationship.

Let Go of the Perfect Marriage Myth

Movies, social media and family expectations can paint an unrealistic picture of married life. Couples may feel that a happy marriage should always be romantic, peaceful, and effortless.

Realistically, disagreements and hard times are a part of any good long-term relationship. The best marriage is one where problems are not always the end of the story; they are resolved and they are resolved fairly.

Understand What Changed

Life is not what it should be and there are things in reality that you don’t want them to be, and if reality is different from expectations, then you know that’s what is causing disappointment.

Is it communication? Financial pressure? Household responsibilities? Differences in lifestyle? Family interference? Career priorities?

Naming the problem can make it easier to address. Instead of treating marriage as one big problem, couples can break concerns into smaller issues that can be discussed individually.

Communicate Without Blame

Communication is very important when expectations are not being met. Blaming a partner will only make them defensive and prevent a conversation.

Instead, lay out how you feel and what you want. "I feel disconnected from you lately" can be much more productive than accusations.

Both partners should have an opportunity to speak and feel heard.

Adjust Expectations, Not Your Core Values

Compromise is what makes a marriage work, and compromise shouldn’t take away from personal values, safety, or dignity.

Some expectations may simply need to be more realistic as circumstances change. Couples may discover that their priorities, routines, or responsibilities need to be renegotiated as life evolves.

Healthy flexibility allows relationship growth to take place without the individualizing of either of the partners.

Deal With Family and Social Pressure

A lot of the disappointment that comes into a marriage is not from the relationship but from outside expectations. Relatives, friends, or social norms can have a lot to do with how couples believe they should live.

A couple may have personal boundaries but still maintain family ties. Relationships, finances, living arrangements, careers, and personal matters should ideally be approached by the partners.

Make Room for Individual Identity

It should be an issue that marriage should not be two people married to one person. Friendships, hobbies, careers, and interests are all part of a healthier relationship.

Having a space in which one can feel safe and feel that the other is contributing and learning in a way that is new to us and in the same life.

Know When Professional Support May Help

Some problems with relationships will not be resolved without outside help. Couples counseling can provide a structured environment where partners can talk and the conflicts they have are discussed.

If there is emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, then safety and professional support need to be the priority and not just better communication.

A Different Marriage Can Still Be a Good Marriage

A marriage that doesn’t really look like it could still be meaningful and fulfilling. Relationships change as people change, careers develop, families grow, and circumstances change.

Instead of thinking about married life as some sort of idealized vision of what it “should” be, couples are able to focus on what they can actually create together.

Marriage is not one destination. It’s something we can’t just say we will be happy with, but we will work on it. If the journey doesn’t actually go according to plan, we will first have to change the plan.