Marriage has been portrayed as the ultimate moment of adulthood, and love is the basis on which couples make it through any challenge that comes their way. But a new survey among divorced and separated Indians suggests that real life relationships are much more complicated than that. For many people, that first marriage taught them that love is never enough; emotional maturity, financial compatibility, communication, and a willingness to grow together.
According to a survey by Indian matchmaking app Rebounce of 9,684 divorced and separated singles, many said their understanding of marriage changed significantly after their first relationship ended. They were more realistic and thoughtful about the need to sustain a relationship in their lives, they said.
The study included participants aged 28 to 45 from Bengaluru, Mumbai, Kolkata, Delhi, Hyderabad, Kochi, Chennai, Indore, Pune, Tier 2, and Tier 3 cities. Respondents were all from a variety of professions. The study uncovered some common notions about marriage that participants said they had believed pre-marriage and which they had been taught before entering their first marriage as well.
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When The Wedding Becomes More Important Than The Marriage
One of the strongest findings came from 3,746 divorced women who were surveyed in Tier 1, Tier 2, and Tier 3 cities. Eight out of 10 women said they were preoccupied with the idea of having a wedding and becoming a “perfect couple,” while neglecting more important questions about compatibility.
Emotional maturity, financial expectations, communication styles, and unresolved issues from the past were among the factors respondents said they failed to look closely enough at. There was also a sense that marriage itself would somehow help both partners grow into the people they needed to become.
But marriage doesn’t always cure differences in personality, values, or expectations. These differences have to be reconciled through honest conversation and continued work. As Anwita, 33, shared: “At first I believed and then I understood that marriage isn’t this entire person and sometimes love alone is not enough, and only after my first marriage ended is it real that marriage is not what completes you.” So many factors to consider and work out before I put myself in that life cycle.
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The Loss Of Curiosity Can Change A Relationship
Another important lesson was curiosity. The survey found that 43 per cent of divorced singles between 30 and 40 said certain assumptions about marriage eventually contributed to losing curiosity about their partners.
If couples think they know everything about each other, conversations can become routine. Instead of discussions about hopes, fears, goals, and personal experiences, people will mostly talk about their household, finances, schedules, and other operational matters.
Abhilash, a 34-year-old divorcee from Indore, said: “I forgot with my ex to ask her some questions about herself. I believe it played a part in my marriage ending. I continued to depend on the old version of her, when she was changing as is natural.”
His story is a case of a frequently overlooked component of long-term relationships: People evolve after marriage. To know someone doesn’t mean that you should assume they are always the same.
When Love Becomes Proof That Everything Is Fine
The survey also uncovered what 39 per cent of divorced singles referred to as "love as evidence." This is the idea that if two people love each other, their relationship will naturally be good and that major compromises will eventually work themselves out.
One respondent recalled moving to another town because her husband’s job was working and leaving her own career behind. Back then she thought it was OK because they loved one another. But once the same kinds of compromises were made, resentment gradually entered the relationship.
Riddhima, a single mother from Delhi, said, “Now, after my divorce, I see love as a big part of marriage but not the whole picture. I know now that love is not proof that all is well, nor should it be used to justify the constant compromises that result in sacrifices, resentment, and silent scorekeeping.”
Love Needs More Than Feelings To Survive
Rebounce founder and CEO Ravi Mittal said the belief that love can magically resolve every relationship problem was one of the key patterns found in the survey. Many people in their first marriage expected love to do most of the work, even when warning signs were already visible to them, he said.
Those seeking a second chance at love often approach relationships differently after divorce or separation, according to the survey. Their experiences might make them more conscious of compatibility, communication, and the importance of talking about tough subjects before making a long-term commitment.
And marriage might not simply mean finding someone who completes you or expecting love to solve every problem. A healthy partnership needs two people who understand one another, who are honest about their ambitions, who respect each other’s ambitions, and who understand that circumstances and people can change.
The lessons these divorcees are sharing are not that love is unimportant. Rather, they present a much more grounded picture of relationships: love can unite two people, but a happy relationship is only possible when you have a good sense of what it’s like to be together, when you respect each other, when you are in a good way with each other, and when you are able to talk about the person and what you need to work out.
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